Last night something awful happened to me. It was so unexpected, so shocking, I've been so stunned, so hurt. As a little girl, and then as a wife, fear was a daily companion. I learned to read all the signs, to see what mood my stepmother, and later my husband, was in. Their anger would . . . shrink me. I would grow still inside, smaller, I suppose I was trying to fade away. I've been feeling that since last night, that stillness. I feel like I've been scooped out and left empty, I can't even seem to hold a thought in my head for long, I find myself drifting off.
I walked to the grocery store today. I had a perfectly lovely offer of a ride but after the terrible things that were said to me, I felt uncomfortable allowing someone to do me such a favor, no matter how sincere their offer. So I made the five mile round trip in the heat, honestly with nothing in my head for the entire walk there, just scooped out and empty, like I said. Still inside, and broken. The walk back was a bit harder, I had three cases of bottled water (the water here is awful and stuff is floating in it) in my little "little old lady cart" and the weight was hard to push. At one point I paused and looked up at the sky that was partly cloudy and saw a darker cloud in the distance with such a lovely rainbow. I thanked God for such an unexpected moment of joy and moved on. A little while later, I had to pause again. And there it was, moving along with me, that dark cloud with a lovely rainbow. As I walked for several minutes it seemed to keep pace with me and I began to feel hope. Hope that God loves me, that things will be okay. Then . . . it rained on me. Talk about mixed signals. I tried to cover things that needed covering in my little cart and by the time I was finished with that the rain had already stopped. I kept moving forward but soon hit a hole in the sidewalk and, because of the weight of the water, one of the front tires broke. I tried to fix it but it was no use. I was still nearly two miles from home. The only thing to do was to turn it around behind me, tilt it on the back wheels and pull. There were several times I didn't think I'd make it home, and the arthritis in my hands and hip was just screaming at me. By the strength of God and nothing more I got home.
I still have that scooped out and empty feeling, and all I want to do right now is push everyone away, keep them away, so that I won't get hurt anymore. For a few hours, I was even pushing God away. But by the time I had showered, given Bee her breathing treatment, made dinner for Noah and finally got a chance to sit and read my bible, I realized that God loves me, period. He loves everyone, no matter what we do, no matter who we are. And considering the fact that my life is so small I should cling to that love as it is the only sure love and acceptance I can depend on.
So as I was reading my bible I realized that I needed to just let go what happened, the terrible and hurtful things that were said, and to fill that emptiness with as much love as I can. That was when I ran across a passage in my bible that I have highlighted, and read often:
Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all of these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
I suppose I don't have a point to this post, I just felt like getting it all out. Scooping out any bitterness, hurt and anger that was filling up the empty space so that I can fill it with love, forgiveness, kindness and thanksgiving. And so, tonight (Xanax already taken, anxiety slightly at bay for a few hours) I will try to fall asleep with only good thoughts, with gratitude for my blessings, and perhaps with a small bit of hope at the bottom of all of that emptiness. For anybody that might ever read this - and according to my stats so far that is one American and three or four Russians for some crazy reason - I wish you a peaceful night tonight and a heart that is full of joy and hope. I know hope can be scary, but grab on with both hands tightly anyway.
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