Little Moments of Joy

Last year I purchased a calendar at the Dollar Tree. The title was "Country Living" and every single month was a treat. I put it on the wall in front of the little folding table I use as a desk and have found myself staring at it a lot, daydreaming. There are two sides to me, the woman that wants to own a little Victorian cottage in town within walking distance to my two bookstores (Yes, two. One big, magical one for kids and another that's like an old fashioned study for mystery books). I love the fantasy of that little life, how I'd wear a costume every day for work - costume depending upon which store I was at that day. Walking to a little cafe for lunch, the kids and I taking a walk after dinner to the local ice cream parlor. Tree lined neighborhood that I usually imagine in full autumn bloom or blanketed with winter snow. There is this other side of me, though, that longs to return to the farm life. I grew up on a farm, we were very poor. We grew everything we ate and I'll tell you I cried through many of my dinners as I knew I was eating a friend. And I never learned because, as a lonely child, I looked for friends everywhere and that included the chickens and cows. My farm would have four seasons and lots of activities for the community. Flowers, vegetables, fruits, a pumpkin patch, Christmas trees, making our own soaps, candles, cheeses, jams and jellies, all the stuff I did as a kid (though we just had a little farm and grew only enough for our large family, nothing commercial). This calendar brought all those dreams back to me. Each month I'd stare at the picture and daydream. When I'd say my prayers at night I'd wish that life could be, for everyone, as simple, charming and carefree as it was for the people in the pictures. I got a great deal of joy out of that dollar calendar.
Since crazy has set up shop in my brain, I've found myself afraid of joy, even little moments. They make the bad days so much harder because for a little while I felt almost normal. I suppose that sounds silly, I suppose, as we should be on the lookout for joyful moments and savor them. And though I fight them, I've had a few things that have made me smile, given me a few moments of peace. For example, old episodes of Newhart. I'm not big on celebrities but I think I'd babble like an idiot if I ever got the chance to meet Bob Newhart. He's gotten me through some dark moments lately. Reruns of The Facts of Life, Golden Girls, Designing Women, Scooby Doo (yeah yeah, but it makes me laugh so what the heck). I never used to be a tv watcher, I'd rather read. And there have been a few books that have given me some laughs, a few moments of joy and peace. Thornyhold by Mary Stewart - this is my "security blanket" book. The Cobbs Landing cozy series by Kate Borden. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by  Mary Anne Shaffer - I cried a bit, too, but it was a heartwarming book. The Bucolic Plague by Josh Kilmer-Purcell had me laughing so hard. I read The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen half a dozen times, it just was such a feel good book. The daily devotions on the InTouch Ministries website. My son found me crying one day and gave me a hug and hugs from moody 16 year old boys are hard to come by. I held on so tight and it was such a balm. Sometimes Bee will wake herself up because she laughs so hard in her sleep and that is a joy to watch. My son played two board games with me a few nights ago and I savored every single moment. That first sip of tea in the morning. A couple of evenings lately that were so chilly it almost felt like autumn - which my soul misses so much. Mickey's Christmas Carol (my favorite version, don't judge). Listening to my son laugh in his room, talking to a friend on Skype. The ducks on the pond when I walk to the doctor. A tiny little bird I saw today on the walk back home, that took tiny little hops and could have fit in the palm of my hand with plenty of room leftover. There was something magical about that little bird and I found myself smiling as I stopped to watch it. I was too tired to walk all the way to the pharmacy and when I called to tell them I'd have to pick up my antibiotic on Monday they insisted on dropping it off (they are lovely at that pharmacy, I'm telling you). I waited outside as twilight swept through the sky and the first star came out. I haven't wished on the first star of evening in a long time and there it was, just waiting for my wish. A short video of a tree, in full autumn dress, with a musical breeze playing through the leaves that was so healing. My friend that prays for my refrigerator because that darn thing breaking down is one of the illogical focuses of my crazy.
Little moments of joy. They are all around us, everywhere. You don't even have to look for them, they find you. Even when you've taken up residence on crazy island, they still find you. Pestering you like a little toddler that can't understand why you shut the bathroom door and would like to pee in peace for ten seconds, those little fingers reaching under the door, wiggling around, searching for you.
When one of those moments find me, I realize that God wants us to be happy. I see a lot of sour Christians (my mother can be one of them). They live their lives by "Don't". But look around, God put so many extraordinary things in our lives, from the tiny little wren to the first twinkling star to the velvety petals of a flower, He clearly wants us to embrace joy. To laugh, to dance, to look around at this extraordinary world and see all the little touches He added just to make us smile.
In the movie Pollyanna she tells the Reverend that there are 800 "glad texts" in the bible, and that if God went to that much trouble to tell us to be happy, we ought to be. Now, deep in the land of crazy and anxiety, happy can be elusive but, as I said, it finds you in little moments you don't expect. It isn't a decision, it is a charm, a blessing, a surprise around the corner. And maybe I'm crazy (ha ha) but I think God set it up to be like that. For "normal" people that don't struggle with mental health issues, happiness really is a choice. But for some of us, no matter how much you stand up, wave your arms in the air and scream "Me! Me!" happiness seems elusive - but not completely lost. Like I said, I think God set up those little moments of joy just for us, to remind us that there is so much more, that we will be okay, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just give it a little time.
Taking Pollyanna up on her boast, I decided to do a little search of the bible to find a few of those "glad texts".

Psalm 16:9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure.

Psalm 90:14 Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

Psalm 4:7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.

1 Chronicles 16:27 Strength and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place.

1 Thessalonians 5:16 Be joyful always

Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

John 15:11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

There are a lot more, obviously, but I think the point is clear - God wants us to be happy so much so that He pointed it out a lot and He plants little moments of joy in our lives in unexpected places. So even if you are drowning sometimes, even if there is anxiety and depression slithering around in your brain just waiting to strike, there is still joy. Remember that. Allow that. And thank God for them, because basically they are God saying "Hey, I see you. I hear you. You matter. YOU MATTER."