A Bit of A Lag in The Train Schedule

I've had a hard time of it lately so there has been a lag of a few weeks since the last post. And this won't be the second half of that post as previously promised. You know, it's amazing how the people that are supposed to know you the most seem to know you the least. Or maybe we just accept what makes us most comfortable and happy and pretend there isn't something under the tip of that iceberg.
One of the lessons I have failed to learn time and again has been that I'm just not worth it. "It" being anything you can fill the blank with. When that terrible thing happened a few months ago, all of my friends not only walked away but not one of them stood up for me, and certainly none of them made an effort to fight for our friendship, to accept my little breakdown and love me anyway, All my life, I've looked for family. When I make friends, when I care about someone, I do so with my whole heart and with all my hope. Why haven't I learned by now that it is foolish to do so? It seems that I am destined to always and forever be alone. Loneliness has become an old friend, a comfortable companion - or at least the steadiest of them. I just seem to be easy to walk away from and so people do.
Many years ago while watching an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (excellent show, they don't teach college classes about it for nothing) about a young girl that was constantly ignored. One day in class she raised her hand for every question but the teacher never called on her. Finally, she glances up at her raised hand and sees the tips of her fingers begin to fade, then her hand, and so on. I often think that will happen to me one day. When my daughter has passed away, my son off living his own life, I'll just fade away and no one will even notice. Maybe that won't even be so bad. Just . . . fade away.
But tonight, with what is left of my heart broken into a few more pieces and pretending it doesn't matter, I am trying to hold on to the scripture that people often paraphrase as "If you have God, you have all you need."

John 14:8 Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

I know that should provide me with comfort. God loves me, Jesus loves me, Mary loves me. Family that will never leave me, that will always be with me no matter the circumstances, no matter my faults, no matter that everyone else has left me. And it is comfort of a sort, but - and God will surely understand this - God, Jesus, and Mary can't sit down with you and hold you while you cry, or give you a hug when you desperately need one, or just be happy to see you and spend time with you. Don't we all wish for those things? I know I do, so desperately. I want someone to love me best. Someone to think about me often and smile when they do.
Ah well, fairy tales. And I was always a sucker for fairy tales, mores the pity.