Growing up in a houseful of brothers all several years older than myself, I spent a lot of time alone at home. Picked on at school, I spent most of my time alone there as well. Lonely became comfortable, safe. Each time I tried to reach out I would end up with another broken piece of my heart in my outstretched hands. I was always hopeful though. I dreamed of a warm, loving family. Close girlfriends and sleepovers. We had several board games at home and I usually played them by myself, hoping someone in my family would come along and take pity on me. I was desperate enough to be willing to accept a pity game but they never joined so I played alone. I grew up and married a man much older than myself who traveled for work. He'd fly all over the country, was gone for months at a time. Our daughter was born with severe disabilities and the few friends I had at the time were so uncomfortable they stopped coming over. Once again, I was alone most of the time. I actually looked forward to the many hospital stays. There was a sense of community within the pediatric ward at the hospital. Eventually my son was born and I wasn't so alone anymore. As he grew we spent a lot of time reading together, playing board games. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed buying his first board game! Within a few years we had a walk-in closet dedicated to board games. Now that he is a teenager though, he spends most of his time in his room with the door closed. Board games, crafts and reading with Mom are just not as appealing as they once were. Home bound in a town where we know very few people, I am alone again. Over time, though, lonely stopped being a comfortable place. Lonely stopped being quiet and safe. It roars in my ears, pulling the walls in until I am suffocating. My anxiety has grown until it is a monster that shadows me, giving me no peace. I tried to talk to a few of my friends about this growing anxiety and depression. I got a lot of suggestions like "Start your day with positive thoughts" and "Happiness is a choice". I know they didn't mean to do so but their advice only made me feel more alone. In fact, I have never felt more alone in my life and I think that is saying something.
I turned to my bible but it didn't really help. Not until I ran across a daily devotion that detailed some of the emotions that Jesus experienced in the last weeks of his life. One of those emotions was loneliness. I was shocked. It had never occurred to me that Jesus would have been lonely. He was always surrounded by people that loved him! How on Earth could he have been lonely? I read the bible passages that accompanied the devotion and realized that if this was true then Jesus understood what I was going through - because He, too, had experienced loneliness! And not just loneliness, sadly, but fear and loss as well. I began to look at passages in the bible differently. Suddenly I could see a pattern that had escaped me all of my life. I grabbed a blank index card and wrote in bold letters: Jesus Understands. On the back I listed several stories in the bible that illustrated this fact. And as I read my bible each day, I am on the lookout for more. You see, I had always had this vague idea that Jesus had a pretty simple life. He knew who He was, He completely understood and embraced His purpose. Things like fear, loneliness, grief, anger . . . they didn't mesh with the experience I imagined Jesus had as a man. I thought the knowledge that he was the son of God was somehow . . . insulation against the deeper, negative emotions. But the truth is He came to Earth as a man to fully and completely experience life as a human. Love, anger, loneliness, grief, need, hunger, fear - all part of the human experience. The next day the devotion was about the names of Jesus and how they described the different aspects of his life: Prince of Peace, Almighty, Bread of Life, Great Shepherd, Counselor, Deliverer . . . the list was extensive and each one added another piece to the puzzle of Jesus that I was slowly putting together. Then I saw the name Man of Sorrows:
He was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief; and as one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Isaiah 53:3
I cried when I read that. I hated the idea that Jesus suffered that much. On the heels of that terrible realization I finally understood that He is called Counselor because He has lived through the same pain, He understands, and can counsel us accordingly. There is comfort in that, as God intended, I'm sure. When the anxiety takes over, I try to hang on to that one truth. When the loneliness threatens to consume me, I cling to that one, comforting truth:
Jesus Understands
Perhaps you will find comfort in that truth as well. When you are overwhelmed by loneliness, when you are stumbling around in your own personal darkness and feel like even your friends have abandoned you, remember that Jesus felt the same way in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:36-46). If you are drowning in grief consider that Jesus wept over the death of His friend Lazarus (John 11: 33-36) and showed His understanding of the grief of others when He raised the widows son from the dead, so moved was He by her tears (Luke 7: 11-17). Jesus understood fear as well. How else can you explain His reaction when the people came to Jairus, with whom He was walking, and told him that his daughter was dead. Jesus immediately told Jairus "Don't be afraid; just believe." (Mark 5:36) Jesus knew the news created an instant reaction of fear and dread within Jairus. I imagine He took him by the shoulders and looked deeply into his eyes as He told him those beautiful words, words I often repeat to myself: Don't be afraid, just believe.
Life is a journey over rough terrain. The twists and turns and bumps can leave us bruised and broken. Thank God (literally) that there is a Counselor we can turn to who knows exactly what we are feeling because He was bruised and broken, too.
