Still Riding The Crazy Train But The View Ain't Bad

So remember when I said I'd kind of gone off the deep end? Yeah well that was an understatement. I'm still there, riding the crazy train, barely treading water at the deep end of the pool, I'm living in a world without chocolate or books or green tea. . . . you get the bleak picture. Point is, this isn't something that just goes away. And looking back I can see that I started developing little cracks as far back as a year ago. Nobody else really noticed and I just thought lack of sleep and money, Bee's health, my son's depression and explosions, lack of transportation, lupus, and female issues were all conspiring together to make things a little tougher. And that is all certainly true. But it was something else, something deeper and I went a little crazy. Well, am a little crazy. And by the way, don't be offended. I'm from the South and crazy is a perfectly acceptable thing to be. I mean, don't you watch the news? ALL the crazy stuff happens in Florida which is because, I assume, per capita, we have more crazy people. I think it's the heat. And using the word "crazy" allows for a little levity. However, as a mother of a child that is, as defined by her diagnosis, mentally retarded I can understand if someone gets a little offended. After all, I've been known to go all mad cow on anyone I hear using the word "retard". So I get it but I promise, I'm not being derogatory.

So back to my point. I'm crazy and I'm now on crazy pills. They help a little but they make me sleepy. Now, lupus makes me sleepy. My heart defect makes me sleepy. The extra weight I've put on from the prednisone to treat my lupus makes me tired (which is different from sleepy as some of you might understand), stress makes me tired and so on and so on. Point is, if my air mattress was more comfortable I could stay in bed constantly and still not get enough rest. But the pills take a bit of the worst of the crazy away. Not all of it and I'm trying to keep the consumption to a minimum as I've been given the "addiction" caution talk from my doc about the meds. But at the moment I'll take addiction later for a little tiny bit of almost sanity now.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with this and what the heck it has to do with God. Well, I'll tell you and then I'll probably wander off onto another tangent and then get back to the point again. Try to stick with me, it might be worth it in the end but I can't promise anything.

Okay - here it is: God always has a plan. 

The point could also be: God can turn a tragedy into a miracle. 

A few scriptures to back these points up before I go on another ramble:

Romans 5:3-4 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. 

Okay, I'll ramble here for a minute. As I typed the scripture above I thought to myself "Who the heck enjoys suffering?" I mean, sure, we can keep our eye on the truth that God is at work in our lives but down here in the mud and the blood that doesn't always help. Or maybe my faith is still not strong enough. But I know plenty of faithful people truly living Christ-like lives (and this is a lot different than being a Christian but that is a rant for another day) and they struggle with struggle, too - if you know what I mean. But I think the intention of the scripture is that eventually, perhaps once the misery is over and you are on the other side of it, you can rejoice in what you went through because now you can see where that struggle has led you. Point is, God's got a plan and wide screen viewing, you know?

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

James 1:2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

1 Corinthians 10:13 No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

That last one I think you can safely substitute the words "misery", "struggle", "trouble", "affliction of the crazies" or any other thing that pops into your head for the word "temptation". Basically, God's got a plan and He is going to make it all turn out alright. And that's my point today. My journey on the crazy train has taught me a few things about compassion, about being a friend, about not judging people, about walking the mile. And from the vantage point of nearly clear thinking in the middle of a dose of meds, I can see that this is a growing experience for me. An opportunity to become a better person because now I understand something that I previously had little compassion for. Not to say that I had none, but I didn't understand, and so couldn't fully respond with complete love and acceptance. Now, I have inside information, so to speak.

When the anxiety began to consume me, when the fear froze me, I started researching online for natural ways to treat anxiety. I read all about exercise, green tea, meditation, proper nutrition, and a variety of other things. All these months later I realize those articles are meant to treat the kind of anxiety everyone faces through daily stresses, not full on episodes of crazy. And trust me, the crazy has been all up in my business. Still, what could trying those things hurt? So I made a vow to exercise daily no matter how I felt (Leslie Sansone Walk at Home - try it, she is amazing and youtube has full length workouts for free) and trust me, there have been days I could barely slog through. But somewhere in my brain I got the idea that if I didn't do this, something bad would happen. For example, right now it is 2 in the morning. I haven't done my mile yet (I'm working up to the two miles but like I said, I'm so freaking tired) but I will before I go to bed, which is usually around sunrise. Another part of my anxiety is that it gets worse at night, and I feel like I need to be on watch. I also vowed to write creatively every day. Now, you may be reading this blog thinking "Why? She's not a talented writer!" and that's okay. This blog isn't about presentation, it's about reality. Remember what I said in the first post? This is a trip through my brain so I've already warned you - it ain't always gonna be pretty. The point is, I vowed to do it, even if it was just one single sentence, I had to write something. And so, I did. And last night, I finished a book.

Let me back up to the glory days for you (feel free to sing the song while you read this, it's a good song and now it's in my head) to my school days. From the first time I won an award for my writing in elementary school (it was a national award, by the way) I was certain I'd grow up to be a writer. All of my teachers (with the exception of my high school math teacher who believed I was some sort of personal blight) thought I would be as well. I racked up a lot of awards, had some poems and short stories published in a few magazines, newspapers. Typing this I get the image of a high school quarterback that everyone thinks is going to go on to the pros and get million dollar deals but at the 10 year reunion already has a comb over and sells lemons to us poor folk. That's kind of me - without the comb over though if this prednisone induced hair loss doesn't stop it might come to that. Point is, I married, had kids, specifically a profoundly disabled kid that was physically, financially, and emotionally draining (I love her, but hey, honesty here) and I quit writing for the most part. I put those dreams away. Oh, once in a while I wrote things. A short story that appeared in a regional magazine. A poem here and there for weddings and things (the thing being a eulogy for a child, sigh). But, mostly, I didn't write. If I had time to sit down for something like writing I was napping, I mean, come on! Last year - before the cracks - I started writing again. Then the cracks appeared and I didn't recognize them and thought I was just silly for trying again.

Always, though, in the back of my mind, was this thing someone said to me once - God gave you a gift, how are you using it? 

The answer . . . I wasn't. Then the question: Did I still have the gift? The answer. . . (ummm, I'm starting to sound like Oh from Home here) I didn't know and was afraid to find out. 

But my vows were to God, kind of like a deal. You probably know all about those, right? Fox hole deals. Help me out and I'll do blah blah blah. Well, frankly, God can smell fear induced malarkey a mile off so the only one dealing is the person in the fox hole. God's plans aren't going to change just because you vowed to be nice to your odd Aunt Patrice at the next family get together or volunteer more or whatever. YOU may change, if you choose to keep your end of the bargain, but God's got wide screen viewing, remember, and that fox hole is right smack in the middle of whatever plan he's been cooking up all along. 

But like most fairly honest fox hole deal makers - with the added bonus of my brain making me think I HAD to or bad things would happen even though I know well and good God doesn't work like that - I've been keeping to my deal. Daily exercise, ugh (though I've actually gained weight, not sure what's up with that) and daily writing. Gallons of Twinings Decaf Green Tea. As healthy a diet as my finances can allow. And even though the crazy was getting worse, I stuck with it. Seriously, sometimes I was like a puppet doing my exercise video. Some nights I really did only write a single sentence. And when it became obvious that I wasn't getting better I spent six weeks desperately trying to get in to see the doctor for some magic pills. And in case you're wondering, spending the night clutching your kids' bottle of seizure medication thinking you could drink it and everything would just be okay does not qualify for a same day sick appointment. Go figure. I did, however, manage to get an appointment for a sinus infection, thank God, or maybe I wouldn't be here right now.

So here I am, pills in hand. Still riding the crazy train. Still deep in the fox hole. But changed for the better, all the same. Although, to be honest, when I'd finished the last sentence of the book, got down on my knees in thanks, and realized I would not have written anything had my life continued down the usual track, I did hope that God would look down and say "Okay, good. Lesson learned. Let me just restore your sanity real quick." Judging by the anxiety slithering around in the back of my head today, I'm guessing He didn't do that. I mean, it would have been my preference but He's got that wide screen viewing and all so I guess I just need to keep on writing, exercising, drinking enough tea to raise Twining stocks, and hope that I'm close to the light at the end of the tunnel. And, in the meantime, just have faith and remember this:

Psalm 37:5 Give yourself to the Lord; trust in Him and He will help you.