Angels On The Train

Many, many months ago I was to have another MRI. This was before we realized I was going completely nuts, just the little cracks were showing. I've never been fond of the tiny little tube they cram you in for the an MRI but I've always managed. But the last time, the second they put that cage over my head, I lost it - seriously. I was so humiliated, I'd never reacted so instinctively in fear before. I put off attempting the MRI again, despite the need to do so. The doctor prescribed Valium and today I walked down, picked up my little super magic pill and walked over to the hospital. Mammogram first - fingers crossed all is well there but we'll see. Then . . . the MRI. In my previous post I mentioned the little cards with scripture on them. I had intended to put one in my purse, a little encouragement in case the Valium didn't do the trick but forgot, though I did remember to put two books in my purse. It is my belief that a person should never go anywhere without at least two books in hand. However, while waiting for the appointment I pulled out a book and one of the scripture cards fell out. It is one I have posted before and often find comfort in:

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious for anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

And then, they called me back. Never have I been surrounded by more upbeat, kind, compassionate women all making every effort to put me at ease and help me through what was, for me, a difficult experience. From the second I was escorted to the MRI room I was welcomed with smiles and enthusiasm. Eventually everyone left but two women and one stayed with me and held my hand, talking to me the entire time (because Valium is NOT a super magic pill after all). I think I prayed the rosary through at least three times, clutching that kind woman's hand and looking as far as I could beyond my head to see the end of the tube and the light, the wall, the outside. Angels, honestly, there are angels all around us. God in everyone we meet. And God was shining out of those lovely women today.
It doesn't take much to be kind, really. A little empathy, a little patience, and you can make a world of difference for the people around you. Maybe you won't know that you've been an angel for someone else, maybe you'll never know the impact your kindness has, but be assured that if you follow Jesus command in Mark 12:30-31 to love God and love each other you WILL make a difference in the lives of those around you. Not everyone has people in their life that show them love, that support and encourage them. But when you give that little bit of love and hope, you may just be the light that leads someone out of their personal darkness.
So thank you to my personal angels today. Your kindness, compassion, patience and infectious enthusiasm gave me a glimpse of God just when I needed it the most. Thank you.

Track Change. Where The Heck Are We Going?

Before the invention of GPS and cars smart enough to drive themselves we had to use maps to get where we wanted to go. You'd buy this crisp, new, neatly folded map, unfold it and plot your course. You would carefully watch for signs, frequently checking that trusty map. Most of the time you ended up right where you wanted to be. Other times, not so much. Maybe you misread the map, maybe you missed a sign along the way. And then, suddenly, you found yourself somewhere else entirely. Somewhere you didn't want to be. Now, it isn't necessarily a bad place, just not the intended destination. And then, of course, fed up with the map - because it is, of course, entirely the maps' fault - you try to fold it up and put it back the way it was. Does that ever actually work out? Or does it end up as a crumbled ball on the floor under your feet while you squint through the windshield looking for something, anything, to guide you back to where you belong.

But maybe, just maybe, you actually belong where you ended up. Kind of like when my train switched tracks oh so many years ago, and then again more recently when it morphed into the crazy train and rumbled off onto some seriously rickety tracks through incredibly rough terrain. I've just been hanging on to the backs of seats as I make my way to the engine and find out what the heck is going on. I mean, really - what the heck is going on? Has the engineer completely lost it? Is he even there anymore or is this train just rushing along without him?

And then I consider that the engineer is God and I know that He is, indeed, up there firing the engines and making sure I'm on the right track - even if it isn't the track I wanted or expected. Today was one of those days where I looked out the window and thought "When did we switch tracks again? How did I get HERE?" Because today, "here" was not a happy place. It was a place even Xanax couldn't work a little magic on. And as it is the end of the month chocolate and tea therapy were out of the question. In fact, as I'll have to manage the rest of the month without either, we may need to increase my Xanax.

Recently I found an etsy shop where you can purchase little cards - about the size of business cards - with scripture on them. I purchased the "Worship and Encouragement" set. I put them everywhere, use them as bookmarks, sent some to a friend. Tomorrow when they shove me in that tiny little tube for my MRI I will probably be clutching one since taking my rosary beads isn't an option. Just having Gods' words around, finding the cards in various places during the day, has been like having God send me little hugs. Yeah yeah, that sounds like I should be doodling unicorns in the margin of my notebook that already has "Mrs. Keanu Reeves" written all over it, lol. But as sappy as it sounds, it is actually true. And I need that, I need moments of unexpected encouragement. There is no hope or help in your run of the mill "Oh don't worry everything is going to be fine" sentiments that people throw at you like rice at a wedding, and just as useless. But a little moment of hope from God in the form of little cards, or your favorite flower, or a tiny little bird on your window sill, or the sun shining through the clouds or a song that makes you sing. . . now that is something special, even if it is completely ordinary.  

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm human and that means I'm still stubbornly grasping the edges of the next seat in the aisle, slowly pulling myself through each car until I get to the engine so I can direct the train where I want it to go. Because, of course, I want it my way. Thankfully, there are a lot of cars between me and the engine and maybe by the time I get there I'll have learned to put a little more faith in the engineer and will make peace with the idea that wherever He takes me is where I'm supposed to be.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." 

You can find the cards here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/SweetHomeTreasures

Signs Along the Way

I mentioned previously that I'd developed a few new symptoms of my lupus. The last week I've developed vertigo when I get up out of bed. Not dizziness, just vertigo with a just-rode-a-rollercoaster-feeling in the pit of my stomach for a minute or so. A person with anxiety disorder should NOT look up things on WebMd. Just . . . no. I've discovered that I am afraid to go to sleep now. Turns out, for all the depression and suicidal feelings, I do not want to die. Yes, there are horrible moments when the depression takes me and I feel like the day is so long, that time is such a burden, but I've realized that I do - in small quantities - have some hope that things will get better. Anyway, I was afraid to lie down and sleep. I usually finish up my prayers each evening with a daily devotion on InTouch Ministries online but they had not yet posted the next one, which was odd. I waited, it still wasn't posted. Eventually I went online in search of another place for a daily devotion and what did I run across? The sweetest picture of a sleeping puppy with the following scripture:

Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace for you alone O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Isn't that lovely? God shows us He is working in our lives in some extraordinary ways and sometimes in simple, quiet ways. So I'm off to bed, thanking God for putting up with me and all of my anxiety and not walking away no matter how bad I get. Thanks God, I sure do need someone on my side and I'm so glad it is you.

So keep an eye out for the signs. God sends them, no mistake about that. Take a look out of the train window as we chug along and you might see any number of signs God is working in your life, too.

A Bit of A Lag in The Train Schedule

I've had a hard time of it lately so there has been a lag of a few weeks since the last post. And this won't be the second half of that post as previously promised. You know, it's amazing how the people that are supposed to know you the most seem to know you the least. Or maybe we just accept what makes us most comfortable and happy and pretend there isn't something under the tip of that iceberg.
One of the lessons I have failed to learn time and again has been that I'm just not worth it. "It" being anything you can fill the blank with. When that terrible thing happened a few months ago, all of my friends not only walked away but not one of them stood up for me, and certainly none of them made an effort to fight for our friendship, to accept my little breakdown and love me anyway, All my life, I've looked for family. When I make friends, when I care about someone, I do so with my whole heart and with all my hope. Why haven't I learned by now that it is foolish to do so? It seems that I am destined to always and forever be alone. Loneliness has become an old friend, a comfortable companion - or at least the steadiest of them. I just seem to be easy to walk away from and so people do.
Many years ago while watching an episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (excellent show, they don't teach college classes about it for nothing) about a young girl that was constantly ignored. One day in class she raised her hand for every question but the teacher never called on her. Finally, she glances up at her raised hand and sees the tips of her fingers begin to fade, then her hand, and so on. I often think that will happen to me one day. When my daughter has passed away, my son off living his own life, I'll just fade away and no one will even notice. Maybe that won't even be so bad. Just . . . fade away.
But tonight, with what is left of my heart broken into a few more pieces and pretending it doesn't matter, I am trying to hold on to the scripture that people often paraphrase as "If you have God, you have all you need."

John 14:8 Philip said, "Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us."

I know that should provide me with comfort. God loves me, Jesus loves me, Mary loves me. Family that will never leave me, that will always be with me no matter the circumstances, no matter my faults, no matter that everyone else has left me. And it is comfort of a sort, but - and God will surely understand this - God, Jesus, and Mary can't sit down with you and hold you while you cry, or give you a hug when you desperately need one, or just be happy to see you and spend time with you. Don't we all wish for those things? I know I do, so desperately. I want someone to love me best. Someone to think about me often and smile when they do.
Ah well, fairy tales. And I was always a sucker for fairy tales, mores the pity.