Today, instead of blessings, I've been counting Xanax. I guess it is reassuring to know that I have enough . . . if I need enough. My daughter has pneumonia, my son isn't feeling well and I instead of turkey and all the trimmings I bought prescriptions for the kids and cold meds. I did make sure we had our usual chocolate pecan pie, though. It is my son's favorite part of Thanksgiving anyway. This is one of those days where time seems to meander, to stroll along at a Sunday drive pace and by mid afternoon it has become unbearable. I used to dream of big family gatherings. In the deepest parts of my heart all I ever hoped for was a husband that loved me, a big extended family to gather together on holidays. I guess I wanted a Norman Rockwell picture. It's funny, that is what my ex-husband got. He was an unkind husband at best, has been an absent and selfish father, but today he is gathered with his family having a big, wonderful, noisy family feast. I'm struggling so much not to be angry today with him, to ask God why it worked out this way? Why he gets a big, lovely house and we have an apartment that has so many issues? Why he has two personal vehicles and a work vehicle and we walk everywhere? Why he, who has spent his life focused only on himself, always has plenty while we usually do without?
I suppose I'm just tired today. My lupus is flaring, my anxiety is off the charts, my depression is digging in. I know that we have so many more blessings than many people. I know that, I truly do. But today I feel like I'm failing my son in so many ways and it hurts. Today everything hurts.
However, if anybody actually reads this, I hope that you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving. I pray that your day is filled with family and friends, lots of delicious food and that you are making wonderful memories.
As for me, I will hold on to this and hope to get through the day. If anyone out there is lonely, and sad, maybe this will help them as well:
John 16:33 I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
We go off on all sorts of tangents here, little adventures we'll call them, on this train ride through my mind. We make lots of stops, most recently to crazy town, a stop I have not been a particular fan of but it seems to be a regular stop on the schedule so I'm learning to deal. But there is one thing darker than my depression, something so vile and repugnant you can be assured it is not on this train schedule: Black Friday.
I despise Black Friday. Every single year you hear about some poor soul killed by rampaging crowds desperate to get a deal on a TV or a computer or a whatever. A thing. A thing worth far more than the lives and safety of our fellow man, apparently. It is shameful, simply shameful. On Thanksgiving we gather together with family and friends, our hearts near to bursting with joy for all the blessings in our lives. And then the next day we go out and act like maniacs because we want more. More, more, more.
Now, I'm not immune to wanting more. Good heavens no. Frankly, I'd like more clothes. I own exactly three shirts, three pairs of pants, three pairs of undergarments and one bra and all so worn they are close to falling apart. I'd like a bed. Sometimes I complain about my air mattress. It isn't all that comfortable and it just sucks up all the cold air and keeps it there until I am both cold and clammy. I'd love about a million more books. I'd really love a vehicle. None of our specialists are withing walking distance, nor is there a pediatrician within walking distance and the grocery store is a very long, hot walk. And the list could just go on and on. I've a pintrest board full of things I'd like to have so no, I'm not immune to the "More, more, more" attitude. But one day I was complaining about my air mattress. Now, on this air mattress every night are clean sheets and a blanket, a firm pillow. And while it isn't the most comfortable thing to sleep on I have had to sleep on the floor when I'm in between air mattresses (they only last about six months with continuous use) and the air mattress is practically a bed fit for a Queen compared to the floor. But, anyway, I was complaining. My back hurt, I wished I had a "real" bed. And then I saw this video:
I felt so ashamed of myself. Basically, I live in luxury. The fridge is driving me crazy, the floors have hills and valleys, there are dripping sounds in the walls that freak me out, it isn't safe to go out after dark, but I also have a clean home with safe drinking water, a very convenient bathroom with hot and cold running clean water, a kitchen usually filled with food, three outfits, a comfortable pair of shoes, a doctor and insurance, medications to treat my lupus, books to read and tea to drink, all of these things are luxuries. I get up and go about my day and how often do I appreciate any of these things, really? When my bed breaks and I can't afford a new one for a few days or when the grocery money runs out before the end of the month. And then, aha! Realization for a brief moment, that those things are blessings.
There are a few things we do need more of, a few things that an attitude of "more, more, more" would finally work in our favor: love, compassion, gratitude. Tonight as I was reading my bible I came across a few verses that put me in mind of Thanksgiving, Black Friday, and our ever increasing desire for more things we don't really need.
Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and you sing psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, whether in word or in deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
So the day after our day of giving thanks, let's do something radical. Let's look around at all we have and say "I have enough things." Then, be thankful all over again . It's okay to be thankful two days in a row. In fact, it's okay to be thankful every single day! And instead of running out to save a little money one something you don't really need, take a moment to enjoy all you already have. Don't go out to your nearest store and wrestle some old lady for the last $10 bread maker, or shove people to the ground to get a plasma TV for half off. Is it worth it? It that something to be proud of? Over things???
This makes me think of another passage in the bible that, frankly, I'm too tired to dig for. I've just taken a little of my crazy meds (the fridge, the dripping . . . I'm in full pre-panic mode) so I'm getting a little sleepy and I'm going to crawl onto my air mattress and get some sleep soon, thankful to have it. But the gist of the passage was that every single person you meet is wholly and completely loved by God. They may have a different color skin than you, they may worship differently than you, they may not like sci-fi (there are actually people out there that don't - go figure), they may have a different sexual orientation, they may even think chocolate is awful (I don't actually believe such a person exists, I'm just throwing it out there though cause that would mean that person would be so completely different than me that they might as well come from a distant planet where everyone loves lima beans). There are a lot of differences, but in the end every single person you meet is loved by God, created by God just as they are and deserving of love, respect, kindness, patience and compassion as you are. They do not deserve to be called rude names, pushed, shoved, kicked, humiliated, threatened or injured because the things you want more of are of less value than the things you truly need. So stay on the train with me this Friday. Yes, it's still the Crazy Train (sing the song, you know you want to) and no there aren't a lot of deals to wrap up and shove under your tree on the train. There's chocolate. There's also hope, love, and a whole lot of thanksgiving and praise. You can't wrap them up and put them under your tree, but they are free and I promise they will enhance your life way more than a plasma TV or a smart phone.
