What The Dickens?!

The train is pulling into a train yard today - total chaos. My brain is going in a million different directions and the magic pills are only helping so much.
First things first - my Bee is very ill and not getting better. I know that we've been so blessed to have nearly 21 years already, but I suppose I am selfish and want more time. I'm not foolish enough to think I'll get another full year, I understand that. But I'm hoping for a few more months, maybe until I'm sane again. I don't think I could handle her passing in the best of times, right now during my unfortunate dip into the crazy pool, I think it would do me in. However, she had such a treat just a few days ago! We love the Beekman 1802 Boys and they wished her a Merry Christmas and even showed a painting she had done for them on their 24 hour live marathon! She was so cheered by that! And on Christmas day, Father Mike and some of the others from the church are going to come and bless her. The doctor is calling in a nurse for daily antibiotic shots. And today, my morning scripture was uplifting and hopeful and just perfectly timed:

James 5:13-15 Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven.

Second things - my crazy. You know, I think the most frustrating thing about the panic, the anxiety is that there is no logic to it. You can sit yourself down and think clearly, logically, and yet it makes not one whit of difference. Knowing that you are fixating on something foolishly does not help, thinking it through does not help. For example, I am anxious about my fridge, for starters. I am constantly afraid it is going to break down. Every time it turns off I find my heart racing, checking the clock, waiting till it turns on again. Now I didn't just fixate for no reason, the temp fluctuates, it began making a worrisome buzzing sound, it makes all manner of loud and scary noises. And also, if it broke down and our food went bad, I have no means to replace the food to feed Noah. That terrifies me. I also have panic attacks about the rest of the apartment. I can't use my dryer anymore because apparently the vent that runs through my bedroom ceiling must be broken somewhere because the condensation of the drying clothes has been leaking from the ceiling and also you can hear it dripping into the walls - the complex dismissed it, apparently it happens in several apartments. So now I hang all my clothes to dry and just fluff them in the dryer. About a year ago our floors developed hills and valleys practically overnight. Again, apparently something not to worry about. But I do. I worry that this place is going to fall apart and we will be homeless again. That thought terrifies me more than I can express. In fact, that was about the time I started getting the little cracks in my sanity. I have a friend that prays for my fridge every day. Isn't that lovely? She embraces my crazy and prays about my fridge just because.

Thirds - I'm 42 today. I've been watching old episodes of the British comedy "Are You Being Served" and in one episode a man tells Mrs. Slocombe that he wants to buy a dress. She asked the age range and he says younger forties (that'd be where I'm at) and Mrs. Slocombe tells Ms. Brahms to get something from the "younger middle age category". Younger MIDDLE AGE???? That's where I'm at now? Middle age? How did that happen? I was 19 just YESTERDAY. And now I'm middle aged. I don't mind, so much, it's just that I had so many hopes and dreams and it feels like it is too late for them now. Like I'm an apple that fell off the tree and rolled under a bush and now I'm just drying out and if anyone ever happens to find me I'll look like one of those carved dried apples that look like little old ladies and they'll toss me back down again and that will be that.

Fourth - I've been thinking about my "friends". The ones mentioned before. Last night I found myself crying over them. All of it hurt, the things they said, the way they just walked away, the awful phone call from one of them saying terrible things but, mostly, the fact that not one of them chose to defend me. Oh drama llama. I miss them and I find myself crying over them more often than I care to. I'm not angry, just so hurt and confused. Who CHOOSES to become ill in any way, mental or physical?? No one would choose to have their brain turn on them like this, to feel like this all the time! I didn't choose this.

Fifth - how could I be so blind, me - the lover of Dickens? Me, who can quote A Christmas Carol practically line for line? Last night Bee and I were watching Patrick Stewart's film version - much darker than our usual preferences (Mickey's Christmas Carol and A Muppet's Christmas Carol) but quite good. I looked over at our Advent wreath and thought about how upset I've been, not being able to get my kids or anyone else what  I'd like to buy them. Worrying about stuff. Stuff! I lit my "miracle candle" and said a prayer of thanksgiving for all the miracles, but especially the miracle of the birth of Christ. I thought about that for a long time. Because we aren't really just celebrating the birth of Christ. We are celebrating the love of God, the love that Jesus also has for us. That they both chose - chose freely and without hesitation - to make such sacrifices for us all. God knew that Jesus would suffer loneliness, pain, fear, so many terrible things. And Jesus understood that as well. And yet they both chose love anyway. Why one Earth am I worried about foolish things like what I can afford to purchase when I should be showing my love and care daily to my children, to the people around us. God authored a whole book just to tell me that, sent His Son to show me that, inspired Dickens to write about it in the most lyrical, moving story ever written. Stuff is just stuff. It comes, it goes, we don't really need stuff. We need God, Jesus, each other. I'm rambling, I know. It's just that I found myself staring at the screen, at Capt. Picard as Scrooge laughing and frolicking because he finally realized it - Christmas is a feeling. Christmas is every single day. Christmas comes to us even without trees, decorations, presents (come to think of it, Dr. Seuss had it, as well). Christmas is an attitude, one of gratitude, humility, love, charity, compassion and thanksgiving and it should rule our hearts daily. It is not a season, a particular day of the year, it is choice every single day to look at the people around us with love NO MATTER WHAT. No matter that they might be unkind to you, or rude. No matter that they might hurt you. No matter that you are tired and broken. No matter what because we are all beloved children of God - every single person you see is a beloved child of God and someone that God sent His son to suffer and die for. God had to watch all that, you know. As a parent I think about that, about God watching it all and standing by His choice to love us, watching with pride that Jesus daily made that same choice despite everything.

I may or may not post again before Christmas Day. If I don't I wish you a Merry Christmas and implore you to remember that Christmas is a daily act of love to everyone you meet, the whole year 'round. And I'll leave you with this, for comfort and inspiration, as it is one of my favorites. Remember as you read it that this is what God and Jesus offer you, and what they want you to offer to others - love and peace:

Matthew 11: 28-30 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.